Tuesday, November 6, 2012

all of me

There are more moments now when I catch my breath at the uncertainty and coming storm of it all. The lump in my throat, heart skips a beat moments come often and unexpectedly. With every logical, heartbreakingly certain discussion, we are at peace with the pain of not being able to say ‘Yes, forever.’ to this baby.

We feel like the end may be close, and so we hug him tighter, kiss him more, gulp back tears. Eyes meet over blond baby hair, words are not needed. We’ve done this before, this waiting game, this anticipation of finality. That time, we thought we were losing a child our hearts had already claimed as our own. We don’t love this baby less, but we feel he’s not meant for us forever. In spite of that, I’m surprised by how similar it feels. The temptations are the same. Wanting to hold on too tightly juxtaposed with wanting to pull back in protection – all the feelings are there, pain and joy and love and heartbreak intertwined.

We’re bedtime music people here, and Baby D’s playlist is getting a lot of play lately even during the daytime. The opening song is this one, and the lyrics have been echoing in my soul for weeks now:

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

That’s where our hearts are finding their home right now. Even though we know the pain that’s to come, it’s worth it. As always, the freedom and grace and beauty of it all is found in surrender. Holding close without clenching too tightly. Recklessly loving and letting go. Sacrifice. Surrender. It’s where we start. It’s where we end up. And love remains.